[ ♪ ]
♪
MISS MOLOTOV IT'S SUCH A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.
MY NAME'S XARAH VON DEN VIELENREGEN.
I'M A HUGE FAN.
THANK YOU DEAR.
WAIT, MISS MOLOTOV, CAN I ASK YOU...
DO YOU HAVE ANY ADVICE?
ALWAYS LEAVE THEM WANTING MORE.
♪
Von Hossenfeffer: FROM A SECRET ADMIRER.
OR PERHAPS NOT SO SECRET ANY LONGER
KATARINA MOLOTOV...
AND PERHAPS NOT AN ADMIRER.
♪
PROFESSOR VON HOSSENFEFFER GERMANY SURRENDERED.
THE WAR IS OVER.
SO WHY MUST WE CHASE YOU ALL OVER EUROPE?
AH, I HAVE DISCOVERED SOMETHING...
SOMETHING EXTRAORDINARY...
SOMETHING THAT WILL MAKE ME
THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN THE WORLD...
WHAT MIGHT THAT BE?
THAT WOULD BE...
OF NO CONCERN TO YOU.
WHAT IS OF CONCERN TO YOU IS THAT THE INTERFERING OF YOU
AND YOUR BURLESQUE ASSASSINS WILL NO LONGER BE TOLERATED.
♪
BUT I CAN BE PERSUADED TO SHOW MERCY.
♪
TELL ME WHERE I CAN FIND JOHNNY VALENTINE
AND THIS CAN BE SWIFT AND PAINLESS.
♪
JOHNNY VALENTINE?
AH...
JOHNNY VALENTINE...
Johnny Valentine: SOMEBODY CALL MY NAME?
♪
HEY BABYDOLL, IT'S A PLEASURE TO SEE YOU.
OH, THE PLEASURE'S ALL MINE JOHNNY VALENTINE.
IT SEEMS AS THOUGH THE PROFESSOR
HAS DISCOVERED SOMETHING OF GREAT VALUE.
PERHAPS AGENT MOLOTOV COULD PERSUADE HIM TO TALK.
I AM TOLD SHE CAN BE...
VERY PERSUASIVE.
DON'T I KNOW IT.
COME PROFESSOR...
I HAVE TO ASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS.
[ ♪ ]
♪
I SEEN THE WAY YOU LOOK AT HER MAXIM.
I SEEN IT,
BUT I DON'T LIKE IT.
SHE'S NOT INTERESTED IN YOU.
NEVER HAS BEEN, NEVER WILL BE.
♪
THE SOONER YOU GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK
COMMIE SKULL, THE BETTER.
♪
IS THAT A TELEGRAM IN YOUR POCKET?
♪
FROM YOUR GENERAL PERHAPS...
PERHAPS INFORMING YOU THAT OUR TREATY IS OVER...
NO DOUBT ORDERING YOU TO ESCORT THE RUSSIANS
TO NEAREST AIR FORCE BASE...
WAR IS OVER.
THE ALLIANCE BETWEEN OUR COUNTRIES
IS ENDING AS WE SPEAK.
HOW MUCH LONGER DO YOU THINK THIS
ROMANCE OF YOURS WILL BE TOLERATED?
BY MOSCOW OR BY WASHINGTON?
HOW LONG DO YOU THINK YOU CAN RESIST ME PROFESSOR?
NEIN... I MUSTN'T...
HMM, VERY WELL.
[Von Hossenfeffer Screams]
♪
A CURTAIN IS COMING DOWN ON THIS ROMANCE.
AN IRON CURTAIN THROUGH WHICH THERE CAN BE NO LOVE.
♪
WELL, THAT MAY BE TRUE.
BUT NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS...
NO MATTER WHAT COMES BETWEEN US...
SHE'LL ALWAYS LOVE ME.
AND SHE'LL NEVER LOVE YOU.
♪
TELL ME PROFESSOR.
TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO KNOW.
IT'S A WEAPON.
IT IS A WEAPON...
A WEAPON... AND HOW WOULD ONE USE THIS WEAPON?
OOH...
THE WEAPON IS ACTIVATED BY MEANS OF A CODE...
A CODE?
AND HOW COULD I FIND THIS CODE?
♪
(Whispering) TELL ME.
OH!
THE CODE WAS HIDDEN...
BROKEN INTO THREE PARTS...
♪
SO NONE BUT THE REICH COULD EVER FIND IT...
[Gunshot]
ORDERS FROM THE KREMLIN.
NOTHING LIKE A LITTLE RUSSIAN PARANOIA TO SPOIL THE DAY.
AND YOU, WITH YOUR ORDERS TO DEPORT US BACK TO MOSCOW.
[ ♪ ]
IS IT TRUE JOHNNY?
YEAH...
♪
ESPIONAGE IS A SMALL WORLD, JOHNNY VALENTINE.
OUR PATHS WILL CROSS AGAIN SOON...
IT'S GONNA BE A LONG WAR WITHOUT YOU, BABYDOLL.
A LONG COLD WAR.
♪
[Door Closes]
[Gong]
[ ♪ ]
♪
HEY GUYS...
MIND IF I JOIN YOU?
- YEAH. - YEAH.
UH...
BUY YOU A DRINK?
SURE.
♪
HEY.
SOMETHING FOR THE LADY.
BOURBON SUE?
THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL ME.
SO UH...
YOU MUSTA BEEN HERE BEFORE.
I BEEN LOTS OF PLACES.
I AIN'T NEVER SEEN YOU BOYS BEFORE.
WE'RE FROM DETROIT...
OH YEAH? TELL ME...
DETROIT BOYS LIKE TO DANCE WITH PRETTY GIRLS?
YEAH. YEAH.
WELL ALL RIGHT THEN.
♪
YOU A WORKING GIRL, BOURBON SUE?
MAYBE...
BUT I AIN'T WORKIN' TONIGHT.
YOU WANNA...
COME BACK TO OUR HOTEL?
POUND BACK A FEW?
HOW ABOUT WE SKIP THE HOTEL AND GO
"POUND BACK A FEW" IN THE ALLEY RIGHT NOW?
HELL YEAH! HELL YEAH!
♪
STAY.
♪
AH!
WHAT THE HELL? YOU JUST KNOCKED OUT RANDY?
WHAT CAN I SAY? I'M A REAL KNOCKOUT.
YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE NOW LADY!
(Sue Chuckles)
YOU'RE GONNA NEED SOMETHIN' A WHOLE LOT BIGGER
THAN THAT IF YOU WANNA PLAY WITH ME.
OH YEAH?
[ ♪ ]
♪
YOU MUST BE BOURBON SUE.
WHAT'RE YOU, THE COPS?
NOPE.
ROBBERS?
NO.
WELL THEN WHO THE HELL ARE YA?
I'M JOHNNY VALENTINE.
AND I'M YOUR NEW BOSS.
I WORK ALONE.
AH!
CONGRATULATIONS BOURBON SUE.
YOU'VE BEEN RECRUITED INTO THE BURLESQUE ASSASSINS.
THE WHAT?
Narrator: THE BURLESQUE ASSASSINS.
BEAUTIFUL, DEADLY,
AND A VITAL FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE IN THE WAR ON
TYRANNY THAT THREATENS OUR FREEDOM.
♪
CREATED IN 1941 BY FOUNDING MEMBERS
JOHNNY VALENTINE AND KATARINA MOLOTOV,
THE BURLESQUE ASSASSINS WERE A TOP SECRET
JOINT OPERATION BETWEEN "THE AGENCY" AND
THE SOVIET UNION'S SECRET POLICE.
REALIZING THAT THE IRRESISTIBLE FEMININE CHARMS
OF THE DANCE HALL WERE THE IDEAL COVER
TO GAIN INTIMATE ACCESS TO THE HIGHEST RANKING MEMBERS
OF THE NAZI REGIME, JOHNNY VALENTINE AND KATARINA MOLOTOV
BEGAN A CAMPAIGN OF RESISTANCE THAT SPREAD
THROUGHOUT THE INFAMOUS THIRD REICH,
CLAIMING HUNDREDS OF ENEMY LIVES.
THEIR GOAL, TO OVERTHROW THE AXIS POWERS.
THEIR CODE NAME, THE BURLESQUE ASSASSINS.
THEIR METHOD, SEDUCE AND DESTROY.
CONGRATULATIONS ON THE COMPLETION
OF YOUR RIGOROUS TRAINING,
AND YOUR ACCEPTANCE TO THIS ELITE TEAM OF DEADLY ASSASSINS.
♪
SO I'M GONNA BE ONE OF THESE "BURLESQUE ASSASSINS"?
YUP.
WHAT ABOUT THE RIGOROUS TRAINING THE MOVIE TALKED ABOUT?
WE'RE IN BIT OF A HURRY SUE,
WE'RE CUTTIN' SOME CORNERS, YOU'RE GONNA LEARN ON THE JOB.
WELL, WHAT IF DON'T WANNA BE A BURLESQUE ASSASSIN?
DON'T WANNA BE A BURLESQUE ASSASSIN?
WELL... I DUNNO. WHAT'S IT PAY?
ROOM AND BOARD.
WHAT ARE THE HOURS?
24 HOURS A DAY 7 DAYS A WEEK
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
NOW, WELL WHY THE HELL WOULD I WANNA DO THAT?
WHY?
WHY WOULD YOU WANNA SPEND YOUR LIFE TRAVELLING THE GLOBE,
TAKING ON THE MOST EVIL AND DIABOLICAL MINDS
OF HUMAN EXISTENCE, SEDUCING,
AND THEN KILLING THEM ALL IN DEFENSE OF
FREEDOM AND DEMOCRACY?
WHY WOULD YOU WANT YOUR LIFE TO BE A
NON-STOP ADRENALINE FILLED ADVENTURE
FULL OF LUST, DANGER AND INTRIGUE WITH
INTERNATIONAL ESPIONAGE AT EVERY TURN?
WHY? I DUNNO...
YOU GOT SOMETHING BETTER TO DO?
NO.
GOOD, I DIDN'T THINK SO.
I'M BOURBON SUE.
GOOD FOR YOU DARLING.
SO WHERE WE GOING?
JUNO, ALASKA. ARCTIC MISSION...
WE MUST BE SOMEWHERE OVER NORTH DAKOTA NOW.
OR MAYBE EVEN THE CANADIAN PRAIRIES.
YOU KNOW, I NEVER BEEN IN AN AIRPLANE BEFORE.
IT'S PRETTY NEAT.
NEVER BEEN IN AN AIRPLANE?
OH, I GUESS YOU NEVER PARACHUTED OUTTA ONE THEN NEITHER?
HUH?
ALRIGHT EVERYBODY! THIS IS A SKYJACKING!
OH MY GOD.
[ ♪ ]
- TIME TO GO KID. - WHAT?
TIME TO GO.
WE'RE GETTING OUTTA THIS BUCKET OF BOLTS.
GO? WE CAN'T GO! THIS IS AN AIRPLANE!
- HERE, PUT THIS ON. - WHAT'S THIS?
- A PARACHUTE. - PARACHUTE?
PARACHUTE.
NO NO NO I CAN'T JUMP OUT OF AN AIRPLANE!
- WHY NOT? - I DON'T KNOW HOW!
IT'S EASY. YOU SEE THAT YELLOW CORD?
- UH, YEAH... - COUNT TO THREE AND PULL.
WAIT, PULL THIS AND COUNT TO THREE?
CLOSE ENOUGH.
♪
HEY RED, YOU COMING?
♪
Bombshell Belle: OH, STUPID PARACHUTING...
ALWAYS TURNS MY HAIR INTO A BLEEDIN' RAT'S NEST.
[Radio Starts Playing Loud]
WELL, YOU'VE GOT THE RADIO...
MAYBE IF YOU CONNECTED THE--
AH.
♪
I DON'T UNDERSTAND ALL THE SECRECY JOHNNY?
WHY WE GIVING OUR OWN BOYS THE SLIP?
'CAUSE THIS MISSION'S AS TOP SECRET AS THEY COME.
EVEN THE AGENCY CAN'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE UP TO.
GALS, WE'RE GOING AFTER THE WEAPON.
THE WEAPON?
UM... WHAT'S "THE WEAPON"?
OH I REALIZE YOU AIN'T BEEN PROPERLY INTRODUCED.
BOURBON SUE, MEET YOUR NEW PARTNERS,
BOMBSHELL BELLE, LONDON ENGLAND AND KOKO LA DOUCE,
TOP GERMAN AGENT.
SO THE WEAPON.... WELL,
SHORTLY AFTER WW II THE NAZIS TEAMED UP WITH THE ITALIANS
AND USED SOME DRAWINGS BY LEONARDO DA VINCI
TO MAKE A ULTIMATE WEAPON, A DEATH RAY.
DEATH RAY?
Koko: YES BUT THE DEVICE REQUIRED ENORMOUS POWER.
THEY WERE NEVER ABLE TO GET IT TO KILL ANYTHING
LARGER THEN A CAT.
SO IT'S REALLY MORE OF A NAZI CAT KILLIN' RAY.
POOR KITTIES...
Koko: BUT WITH THE INVENTION OF NUCLEAR POWER
THE NAZIS FINALLY HAD A WAY TO FUEL IT.
THAT BECAME THE WEAPON.
THE NAZI ATOMIC DEATH RAY.
THE NAZI ATOMIC DEATH RAY?
WELL IT WAS JOHNNY HERE WHO FOUND OUT THEY HAD
GOTTEN THE THING MADE RIGHT AT THE END OF THE WAR.
AH, ME AND KATARINA...
GOOD TIMES.
THE DAMN WAS THOUGH IT WAS GONE. VANISHED.
SMUGGLED OUT OF BERLIN JUST AS THE RUSKIES WERE CLOSING IN.
RUMOUR HAS IT IT'S HIDDEN SOMEWHERE
IN THE GOOD OLD U.S. OF A.
LAYING DORMANT...
WAITING TO BE ACTIVATED BY MEANS OF A SPECIAL CODE.
THIS CODE WAS SEPARATED INTO 3 PIECES,
AND DISSEMINATED AROUND THE GLOBE,
THE IDEA BEING THAT ONE DAY THEY'D BRING ALL THE PARTS
OF THE CODE TOGETHER, ACTIVATE IT,
AND TAKE REVENGE ON THE FREE WORLD.
THE DAWN OF THE FOURTH REICH.
AND NOW THE 3 PARTS OF THE CODE ARE COMING TOGETHER?
Johnny: BINGO.
YOU'DA KNOWN ALL THIS IF YOU READ YOUR HANDBOOK...
THERE'S A HANDBOOK?
BUT I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND ALL THE SECRECY JOHNNY?
WELL, THE SECRECY'S ON ACCOUNT
OF HOW I GOT THIS INFORMATION...
[Radio Buzzing]
Voice From The Radio: DO NOT MOURN AGENT LILY WHITE.
SHE WAS A TRAITOR WHO BETRAYED YOU TO THE K.G.B.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
Voice From The Radio: NO?
Lily White's Voice: ...AT 7 HUNDRED HOURS.
THEN MISTER VALENTINE WILL BE COMING TO HAVANA
TO MEET WITH BATISTA AT THE PALACIO NATIONAL...
Voice From The Radio: WE HAVE A COMMON ENEMY JOHNNY VALENTINE.
AN ENEMY THAT HAS BEEN HIDING FOR 10 YEARS NOW.
AN ENEMY THAT HAS BEEN QUIETLY GATHERING PIECES OF PUZZLE,
WAITING FOR MOMENT TO STRIKE.
SO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE CARE OF IT...
ME AND THE BURLESQUE ASSASSINS.
Voice From The Radio: AGENT LILY WHITE WAS NOT
THE ONLY TRAITOR WITHIN THE RANKS OF THE AGENCY.
IF YOU WISH TO STOP THEM, YOU WILL HAVE TO COME ALONE.
Belle: SO THAT'S IT?
THEY DIDN'T TELL YOU NOTHING ELSE?
Johnny: NO.
THAT'S IT.
NOTHING ELSE.
Belle: SO THAT'S WHY WE TOOK OUT OUR OWN GUYS...
OH, I DUNNO JOHNNY, SOUNDS LIKE A TRAP TO ME.
YEAH, SOMETHIN' IN THIS KITCHEN AIN'T KOSHER.
AND SEEING HOW THIS AIN'T AN OFFICIAL MISSION.
IF YOU WANNA BACK OUT, NOW'S THE TIME.
JESUS JOHNNY, IT AIN'T LIKE WE NEVER WALKED INTO A TRAP BEFORE.
WELL, HOW ABOUT YOU KID?
IT'S A LOT TO TAKE IN ON YOUR FIRST DAY ON THE JOB.
- FIRST DAY ON THE JOB?! - HEILIGER STROHSACK!
YOU'RE BRINGING HER IN ON A MISSION LIKE THIS
RIGHT AFTER COMPLETING HER TRAINING?
- TRAINING? - JOHNNY WHAT THE--
LOOK, WE HAVE A POTENTIAL MOLE IN THE AGENCY,
IF WE HAVE ANY CHANCE OF SUCCEEDING ON THIS MISSION
I NEED THREE AGENTS BY MY SIDE.
THREE AGENTS I CAN TRUST.
YOU...
YOU'RE TOO GOD-DAMN SOPHISTICATED TO BE A SPY.
WELL I SHOULD THINK SO.
AND YOU... YOU'RE JUST TOO CRAZY.
AW, THANKS JOHNNY.
SUE HERE... SHE CAN'T BE A DOUBLE AGENT!
SHE'S A NOBODY!
NO OFFENSE KID.
SHE'LL LEARN ON THE JOB,
JUST LIKE ME AND KATARINA DURING THE WAR.
SHE'LL BE FINE.
THIS IS A BIG DEAL YEAH?
AGENTS TRAIN FOR YEARS TO GET A SHOT AT A MISSION LIKE THIS.
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE...
Koko: SHE'S RIGHT, BOURBON SUE.
WITH A MISSION LIKE THIS ON YOUR RESUME
YOU WOULD RISE TO THE TOP RANKS OF GLOBAL ESPIONAGE.
RIGHT... PROVIDED SHE MAKE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT OF COURSE.
OH COURSE. OH COURSE.
[ ♪ ]
♪ [Crowd Cheering]
♪
Koko: SO... WHO ARE THE TARGETS?
Johnny: SO FAR, I'VE IDENTIFIED
TWO OF THE THREE TARGETS WE'LL BE TAKING DOWN.
THEY'RE HEIRS TO THE LEGACY OF THE EVIL OF WORLD WAR II...
...ONE IS THE LITTLE KNOWN SON OF THE ITALIAN DICTATOR...
BENITO MUSSOLINI JR.
♪
AND THE OTHER, IS AN UNHOLY CREATURE
SPAWNED IN THE UNNATURAL LABS OF THE S.S...
THE CLONE OF HITLER.
♪
ADOLF! YOU SHAVED IT!
OF COURSE I SHAVED IT YOU FOOL!
WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE IN DISGUISE!
WHY ARE YOU WEARING YOUR UNIFORM?
I LIKE THIS UNIFORM.
HUH, IT MAKES MY PECS LOOK BIG.
I WANTED TO LOOK GOOD FOR THE LADIES...
BUT YOU KNOW IT LEFT A LITTLE WHITE SPOT WHERE YOU SHAVED IT?
LIKE A... LIKE A MOUSTACHE TAN LINE...
I'VE NOT SEEN THAT BEFORE.
♪
Sue: WAIT A SEC...
I THOUGHT THE CODE WAS SPLIT UP INTO THREE PIECES?
WHOSE GOT THE THIRD PIECE?
I'M NOT SURE YET, BUT I GOT MY SUSPICIONS...
♪
Johnny: HEY KID, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
TONIGHT YOUR MISSION IS TO FOLLOW ORDERS.
AND ONCE YOU MAKE YOUR FIRST KILL,
YOU'LL BE A FULL FLEDGED BURLESQUE ASSASSIN.
AND IT'S GOTTA BE ONE OF THE BAD GUYS,
IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING.
ONE TIME JOHNNY! ONE TIME! JESUS!
♪
HIYA FELLAS. WHAT CAN I GET YOU?
I'M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING LIGHT,
LIKE A NICE BOTTLE OF A CHIANTI.
SO LIKE A RED?
OK.
AND YOU?
WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR GERMAN BEER?
OH, HERE WE GO AGAIN...
I DUNNO... WE GOT GERMAN STYLE BEER...
WHAT DO YOU MEAN GERMAN STYLE?!
IT CANNOT BE GERMAN STYLE...
IT IS EITHER GERMAN OR IT IS NOT!
DON'T GET ALL SNARKY, ADOLF.
I'M NOT GETTING ALL SNARKY, BENNY!
LISTEN, IF YOU'RE GOING TO GET ALL STRESSED ABOUT IT
MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T BE DRINKING AT ALL?
YOU WANT A SHIRLEY TEMPLE?
NO I DO NOT WANT A SHIRLEY TEMPLE!
THE FÜHRER DOES NOT DRINK A SHIRLEY TEMPLE!
(Muttering) THE FÜHRER DOES NOT BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.
♪
THERE IT IS. I GOT A DRESSING ROOM
FOR US IN THE BASEMENT AND A BOX FULL OF GOODIES.
KOKO, YOU'RE UP FIRST.
YOUR TARGET, MUSSOLINI JR.
YOU'RE MISSION... SEDUCE AND DESTROY.
MY PLEASURE, JOHNNY.
♪
AIN'T YOU COMING WITH US MISTER VALENTINE?
I'LL BE THERE, KID...
I JUST GOT A HUNCH THAT OUR MYSTERY MAN MIGHT KNOW MY FACE.
I GOTTA COME INCOGNITO.
OH...
HEY...
YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE KID.
I GOT A SENSE FOR THESE THINGS.
ONE GOOD CLEAN KILL AND YOU'LL EARN
THE TITLE OF BURLESQUE ASSASSIN.
HEY, I AIN'T WORRIED.
SEDUCE AND DESTROY, RIGHT?
YOU GOT IT, KID.
♪
THOSE ARE THE TARGETS...
♪
DON'T STARE, DARLING.
JUST ACT NATURAL.
♪
LOCK'S BUSTED, SWEETHEART.
♪
OH KOKO, YOU SHOULD CHECK OUT ALL THE
NIFTY TOYS JOHNNY GOT US.
IS THIS THE M 97 TACTICAL FOLDING FAN?
HONEY, IT'S THE M 97 B!
♪
Koko: I THINK I FEEL A FAN DANCE COMING ON THEN.
♪
WHAT'S THIS?
♪
HE TOLD US TO BE HERE AT 9:00!
WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS THAT HE CAN KEEP THE FÜHRER WAITING?!
DOES HE THINK WE ARE SCARRED OF HIM?
RIGHT, IF YOU'RE NOT SCARED OF HIM
THEN WHY DID YOU PEE PEE YOUR PANTS
THE LAST TIME THAT HE YELLED AT YOU, HUH?
I DID NOT PEE MYSELF!
I TOLD YOU I SPILLED MY DRINK!
RIGHT...
WELL I'M SCARRED OF HIM.
THANKS YOU SO MUCH COMRADE
FOR THIS GLORIOUS CHANCE TO SERVE THE MOTHERLAND.
OF COURSE... AND EVERYTHING IS ARRANGED?
OH YES SIR!
THE TELEGRAPH OPERATOR AND THE RADIO OPERATOR IN NEW YORK.
ALL AS YOU INSTRUCTED.
AND WHOM HAVE YOU TOLD OF THIS?
NO ONE SIR!
YOUR PLAN IS KNOWN ONLY TO ME.
EXCELLENT.
(Nervous Laughter)
MOTHERLAND IS GRATEFUL FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.
SACRIFICE?
[Neck Snaps]
♪
[Crowd Cheering]
HO HO HO GENTLEMEN!
HOW ABOUT THE APPLAUSE FOR THE AMAZING KITTEN DEVILLE!
AND NOW, OUR NEXT PERFORMER,
ALL THE WAY FROM HAMBURG, GERMANY.
SHE IS DRIPPING WITH EUROPEAN SENSUALITY.
KOKO LA DOUCE!
[Crowd Cheers]
OI! IF YOU'RE GONNA LEARN ON THE JOB
YOU SHOULD GET OUT THERE, SEE HOW IT'S DONE.
OH, RIGHT.
[Crowd Cheering]
ICH WEIß NICHT ZU WEM ICH GEHÖRE,
ICH GLAUB ICH GEHÖRE NUR MIR GANZ ALLEIN.
WENN ICH GERADE DIR TREUE SCHWÖRE,
WIRD WIEDER EIN ANDERER GANZ UNGLÜCKLICH SEIN.
[ ♪ ]
♪
OH LOOK ADOLF.
SHE'S LOOKING AT ME!
YOU WISH.
♪
OH COME ON ADOLF. YOU HAD TO OF SEEN THAT!
SHE'S WINKING AT ME!
SHE'S GORGEOUS!
SHE'S A FINE SPECIMEN.
SHE MUST HAVE A LITTLE GERMAN IN HER.
OH YEAH?
WELL MAYBE SHE'D LIKE SOME ITALIANO IN HER, HUH?!
♪
WOW...
YEAH, THAT KOKO LA DOUCE SURE IS THE REAL DEAL ALRIGHT.
MISTER VALENTINE?
WATCH THIS MOVE, KID.
SHE'S DEADLY ACCURATE WITH THAT THING...
♪
UH, MISTER VALENTINE...
WHY ARE YOU DRESSED LIKE A LADY?
I TOLD YOU KID, I'M INCOGNITO.
♪
[ ♪ ]
Narrator: DATELINE CHICAGO.
THE YEAR, 1951.
YOU GOTTA LOOK DOWN THE CUE, SEE?
Narrator: KOKO LA DOUCE INFILTRATES THE HIDEOUT
OF THE NOTORIOUS CHICAGO GANGSTER KNOWN AS CHROME DOME
TO STOP THE FIRST PIECE OF THE CODE
FROM BEING SOLD TO A MYSTERIOUS VILLAIN.
♪
KOKO SPRINGS INTO ACTION.
NOT ON THIS ASSASSIN'S WATCH.
LOOKS LIKE TROUBLE FOR OUR HEROINE!
BUT KOKO'S GOT THE BALLS TO HANDLE THESE BOYS.
AND A NICE HARD STICK TO BOOT!
♪
GET THE POINT CHROME DOME?
PAL. Narrator: AND WHO DO WE HAVE HERE?
NON OTHER THAN JOHNNY VALENTINE.
♪
BUT WAIT! A TRAP!
♪
JOHNNY VALENTINE TO THE RESCUE.
[Gun Cocking]
A DOUBLE CROSS.
AND WHO IS THIS BEAUTY?
KATARINA MOLOTOV.
JOHNNY VALENTINE.
Narrator: OUR LOVERS REUNITED.
♪
HOW DID HE GET TO THE BACK OF THE LINE AGAIN?
Narrator: AND THE VILLAIN MAKES HIS ESCAPE
WITH THE FIRST PIECE OF THE CODE.
CRUCIFIX!
I'M NEVER GOING TO CATCH HIM IN THESE HEELS.
I TOLD YOU WE WOULD MEET AGAIN.
I WAS BANKING ON IT SWEETHEART.
[ ♪ ]
Koko: WELL DON'T LET THE FATE OF THE FREE WORLD
INTERRUPT YOUR LITTLE REUNION.
♪
[Sirens Approaching]
DAMN.
WELL IT LOOKS LIKE COPS IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD
DON'T TAKE KINDLY TO GUNSHOT BLASTS IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT.
AND MY SUPERIORS AT THE K.G.B WOULD NOT BE PLEASED
IF I WERE TO BE PICKED UP BY AMERICAN POLICE.
AIN'T NO ONE SUPERIOR TO YOU, DOLLFACE.
OUR PATHS WILL CROSS AGAIN, JOHNNY VALENTINE.
I KNOW THEY WILL, MY LITTLE COLD WAR MINX.
♪
[ ♪ ]
♪
NOW THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES.
[Crowd Cheering]
SO? YOU READY?
ABSOLUTELY.
Emcee: AND NOW, AN ACT YOU'RE ALL SURE TO LOVE.
FROM NEW YORK CITY, A REAL MANEATER.
MISS AMBER RAY!
[ ♪ ]
♪
OHHH... IT'S TOO BAD SHE DID NOT LIKE YOU
AS MUCH AS SHE LIKES ME.
BUT DON'T WORRY, MAYBE WE FIND ONE OF THESE
BUSBOYS TO LOVE YOU, HUH?
DON'T BE STUPID!
I BET SHE THROWS ONE OF THOSE OUT EVERY SHOW.
PROBABLY TO THE MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE THE BIGGEST FOOL!
OH, I HOPE YOU BOYS AREN'T FIGHTING OVER ME...
SO SHE'S GONNA KILL THAT GUY?
YES SHE IS.
WHERE?
DRESSING ROOM.
HEY...
WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THING YOU'RE GOING?
I'M GONNA WATCH.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LEARN ON THE JOB IF I STAY HERE?
♪
ALRIGHT. YOU JUST GO SOMEWHERE SAFE,
AND STAY OUTTA SIGHT.
♪
I BELIEVE YOU HAVE SOMETHING OF MINE.
OH... IT'S MINE NOW...
FINDERS KEEPERS, HUH?
WHAT MIGHT I HAVE TO DO TO GET THAT BACK FROM YOU?
I'M NOT SURE...
PERHAPS A DANCE...
UNA DANCA PRAVITO, HUH?
IN MY DRESSING ROOM... PERHAPS?
♪
YEAH.
IS THAT-
COMRADE STALIN...
WHERE ARE YOU GOING, BENNY?
♪
THIS WOMAN WAS OFFERING ME A DANCE...
A PRIVATE DANCE...
♪
YOU SHOULD TAKE GUARDS WITH YOU!
I WAS JUST TELLING HIM HE SHOULD TAKE GUARDS WITH HIM.
YOU WERE NOT SAYING THAT.
YES I WAS. YOU DON'T LISTEN!
STALIN HE'S MAKING THAT UP RIGHT NOW.
YOUR JUST A BIG TATTLE NAZI! OH YOU STUPID SPAGHETTI HEAD!
♪
MY FRIEND HERE IS A SOMETHING OF A DIPLOMAT.
HE MUST BE GUARDED AT ALL TIMES.
I AM SURE YOU UNDERSTAND.
OF COURSE... THIS WAY.
♪
IT STAYS HERE.
♪
WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS ON YOUR FACE?
♪
FIND SOMEWHERE SAFE...
STAY OUT OF THE WAY...
♪
THIS WAY GENTLEMEN...
♪
NO... OUTSIDE.
♪
THESE MEN ARE MY PERSONAL GUARD... THEY WILL STAY.
OF COURSE.
EVERY SHOW GIRL LOVES AN AUDIENCE.
(Mussolini Jr. Chuckles)
♪
[Crowd Cheering]
HA!
- AH! - AH!
[Crowd Cheering]
[Mussolini Jr. Struggling to Breath]
YOU CAN COME OUT NOW.
JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE TO MAKE SURE HE'S DEAD.
OK... I WANNA LEARN HOW TO THROW A FAN LIKE THAT...
IT'S EASY DEAR.
JUST LIKE A FRISBEE.
WHENEVER I THROW A FRISBEE IT ALWAYS COMES BACK
AND HITS ME IN THE HEAD...
WELL PROBABLY BEST NOT TO TRY IT THEN.
LISTEN WHY DON'T YOU MAKE YOURSELF
USEFUL AND GRAB A MOP.
OH RIGHT.
THESE GUARDS ARE LEAKING BRAINS ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE.
[ ♪ ]
♪
BENITO?
FINITO.
GOOD.
YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHO OUR THIRD TARGET IS...
JOE STALIN.
- STALIN? - STALIN?
STALIN.
THAT DRESS DOES NOT LOOK GOOD ON YOU JOHNNY.
I'VE TOLD YOU, PATTERNS ARE NOT YOUR FRIEND.
BUT, ISN'T HE DEAD?
Johnny: SUE EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM'S BEEN
OFFICIALLY DEAD AT LEAST ONCE.
- TWICE. - THREE TIMES.
17.
I'VE NEVER BEEN OFFICIALLY DEAD...
OH, HERE.
♪
THE POINT IS THE STAKES JUST WENT UP.
THIS STALIN, HE'S NO RICH KID PUSH OVER TYRANT WANNA BE
LIKE THESE OTHER CLONES AND CLOWNS.
HE'S THE REAL DEAL, AND REAL DEADLY.
Koko: SO IS HE THE MYSTERIOUS THIRD MAN YOU WERE EXPECTING?
Johnny: NO, HE AIN'T... AND THAT MAKES ME A LITTLE BIT NERVOUS
BUT WE'LL JUST HAVE TO ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES.
LADIES, THE CLOCK IS TICKING.
I FIGURE WE GOT ABOUT HALF AN HOUR
BEFORE MUSSOLINI'S MEN START GETTIN' SUSPICIOUS.
WONDERING WHERE HE'S AT.
SO WE NEED TO TAKE OUT CLONE OF HITLER AND STALIN ASAP.
AND GET THE CODE TO THE NAZI ATOMIC DEATH RAY!
RIGHT.
SO, FIRST UP BELLE, CLONE OF HITLER.
THAT LEAVES YOU KID, JOSEPH STALIN.
OI OI OI! WHY DO I GET THE CLONE OF HITLER
IF STALIN'S MORE DANGEROUS?
THAT'S NOT FAIR! I'VE GOT SENIORITY!
LISTEN BELLE, THESE HITLERS ARE REAL PARTICULAR.
THEY PREFER BLONDES AND REDHEADS OVER BRUNETTES.
♪
I'M SORRY TO HIT YOU WITH A DOOZIE LIKE THIS
FOR YOUR FIRST KILL KID, BUT SOMETIMES WE...
WE JUST GOTTA PLAY THE CARDS WE'RE DEALT.
I CAN HANDLE IT.
Johnny: DAMN STRAIGHT.
AND IF YOU DO SUCCEED IN KILLING THAT COMMIE BASTARD
YOU'LL BE A FULL FLEDGED BURLESQUE ASSASSIN.
YOU... I NEED YOU TO STAY OUTTA SIGHT.
WHILE BELLE GETS READY YOU TWO HOLD DOWN THE FORT.
I'M GONNA GO UP TOPSIDE AND SEE WHAT'S GOING ON.
♪
HEY KOKO, I THINK HE'S DEAD.
OH, RIGHT.
♪
YOU IDIOT.
WELL I DID NOT KNOW IT WOULD LEAVE A TAN LINE!
WHAT DID YOU THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN?
YOU HAD THAT STUPID MOUSTACHE SINCE YOU CAME
OUT OF THE TEST TUBE.
OF COURSE THERE IS A TAN LINE.
WELL YOU HAVE HAD YOUR MOUSTACHE JUST AS LONG!
YES BUT I HAVE MAN'S MOUSTACHE.
THE MOUSTACHE OF A RULER.
WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?
THE CHARLIE CHAPLAIN OF EVIL?
♪
Emcee: OUR NEXT VETERAN PERFORMER
HAILS FROM LONDON ENGLAND...
SHE OOZES SASS, SAUCE, AND SEX APPEAL.
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR THE INCOMPARABLE BOMBSHELL BELLE!
[Crowd Applauding]
[ ♪ ]
♪
♪ BEI MIR BUST DU SCHOEN,
PLEASE LET ME EXPLAIN, ♪
♪ BEI MIR BUST DU SCHOEN MEANS YOUR GRAND ♪
♪ BEI MIR BUST DU SCHOEN, AGAIN I'LL EXPLAIN, ♪
♪ IT MEANS YOU'RE THE FAIREST IN THE LAND ♪
♪ I COULD SAY BELLA BELLA, EVEN SAY WUNDERBAR, ♪
♪ EACH LANGUAGE ONLY HELPS ME TELL YOU HOW GRAND YOU ARE ♪
SHE'S LOOKING AT YOU...
NO. YOU ARE MISTAKEN.
♪ BEI MIR BIST DU SCHOEN,
KISS ME AND SAY YOU UNDERSTAND ♪
♪
SHE'S LOOKING AT YOU!
YOU SHOULD SMILE AT HER OR SOMETHING.
MAYBE YOU CAN GET LUCKY LIKE MUSSOLINI.
♪
I AM NOT INTERESTED.
HOW COULD YOU NOT BE INTERESTED?
SHE'S BEAUTIFUL!
I HAVE SEEN BETTER.
YEAH...
BOYS FROM HITLER YOUTH MAYBE?
WHAT?!
I AM NOT INTERESTED IN SOME CABARET DANCER.
HOW COULD YOU NOT BE INTERESTED IN THIS BEAUTIFUL WOMAN?
SHE IS A HARLOT.
SHE'S ONLY INTERESTED IN ME BECAUSE SHE IS
TRYING TO GET HER HANDS ON MY MONEY.
SO? YOU HAVE A BRIEFCASE FULL OF GOLD!
WHAT IS MONEY TO YOU?
IF YOU ARE GOING TO BE THE FÜHRER OF YOUR BELOVED
FOURTH REICH THEN YOU HAD BETTER START ACTING
LIKE A LEADER AND NOT A COWERING GIRL.
IF YOU ARE NOT MAN ENOUGH TO CONQUER A WOMAN,
THEN YOU ARE NOT MAN ENOUGH TO FIGHT BESIDE JOSEPH STALIN.
♪
FINE!
IF IT IS SO IMPORTANT TO YOU I WILL WOO HER.
WOO HER WITH MY ARYAN CHARMS.
♪
[ ♪ ]
Narrator: DATELINE OKLAHOMA.
THE YEAR, 1953.
BOMBSHELL BELLE POSSES AS A KNIFE THROWER TO INFILTRATE
THE CIRCUS MOB OF THE NOTORIOUS RINGMISTRESS.
♪
HEY!
NOT SO CLOSE!
Narrator: AGAIN THE ENEMIES OF DEMOCRACY ATTEMPT TO TRADE
OUR FREEDOM FOR WEALTH AND POWER,
BUT THE BURLESQUE ASSASSINS
STAND POISED TO DEFEND THAT FREEDOM.
READY TO ELIMINATE THE MYSTERIOUS VILLAIN AND CAPTURE
THE PRECIOUS SECOND PIECE OF THE CODE.
BUT THIS VILLAINOUS VIXEN STILL HAS A FEW TRICKS UP HER SLEEVE.
HEY DARLIN'.
ALWAYS DID WANT TO RUN AWAY AND JOIN THE CIRCUS.
NOT REALLY SURE WHO HE IS,
CLAIMED TO BE SOME KINDA CARNIE PREACHER.
MIDGETS FOUND HIM POKING AROUND.
THAT'S THE GOOD THING ABOUT MIDGETS THOUGH.
THEY'RE THE RIGHT HEIGHT FOR ALL SORTS OF THINGS.
Narrator: BELLE SPRINGS INTO ACTION.
HORRENDOUS HAND TO HAND COMBAT ENSUES.
BUT WHERE THE BURLESQUE ASSASSINS ARE AT WORK,
KATARINA MOLOTOV IS NEVER FAR BEHIND.
AND THE RINGMISTRESS IS ABOUT TO LEARN
THE PRICE OF RUBBING THIS COMMIE KITTY THE WRONG WAY.
SCORE ANOTHER VICTORY FOR FREEDOM!
BUT ONCE AGAIN THE MYSTERIOUS VILLAIN SLIPS THROUGH THE
GRASP OF OUR HEROINE WITH THE SECOND PIECE OF THE CODE.
HEY, HOW'D YOU?
♪
OH BOLLOX!
♪
Katarina: I HAVE SAVED YOU.
YOU KNOW IN SOME CULTURES THAT MEANS YOUR LIFE IS MINE...
WELL THAT'S A BAD DEAL FOR YOU DOLLFACE,
'CAUSE I ALREADY WAS YOURS.
♪
I'VE GOT SOMETHIN' FOR YOU BABYDOLL,
I'VE BEEN CARRYING IT AROUND IN CASE WE RAN INTO EACH OTHER.
OH, JOHNNY!
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
UH, HI. I'M BELLE.
OH, HOW RUDE OF ME, BOMBSHELL BELLE,
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET KATARINA MOLOTOV...
THE ORIGINAL BURLESQUE ASSASSIN...
AND THE FUTURE MISSES VALENTINE,
THAT IS IF YOU'LL HAVE ME.
BUT OF COURSE JOHNNY.
♪
BUT THERE IS STILL THIS
SILLY LITTLE MATTER OF THE COLD WAR.
HMM, DETAILS.
♪
BUT I DO SUPPOSE THERE ARE SOME
LOOSE ENDS THAT NEED TO BE TAKEN CARE OF.
NAMELY MUSSOLINI JR. AND THE CLONE OF HITLER.
Katarina: AND THIS MYSTERIOUS FRIEND OF OURS
WHO SEEMS SO INTERESTED IN THE DEATH RAY...
I DO HATE TO LEAVE THEM OUT THERE...
AND I HATE TO LOSE.
SO THIS SHALL BE OUR ENGAGEMENT...
ALRIGHT...
BUT AFTER WE KILL THOSE BASTARDS...
AND AS SOON AS WE DESTROY THE DEATH RAY.
RIGHT.
♪
THERE IS STILL ONE MORE PIECE OF THE PUZZLE
TO BE SOLVED JOHNNY.
WELL THEN I- I GUESS I'LL SEE YOU THERE.
♪
I DO SO THAT HOPE YOU'RE
STILL WEARIN' THIS RING WHEN I SEE YOU.
♪
I PROMISE YOU, JOHNNY, FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE,
THIS RING WILL NOT LEAVE MY FINGER.
♪
CAN WE GET OUTTA HERE, JOHNNY?
CLOWNS GIVE ME THE CREEPS.
[ ♪ ]
♪
♪ I COULD SAY BELLA BELLA,
EVEN SAY WUNDERBAR ♪
♪ EACH LANGUAGE ONLY HELPS ME TELL YOU HOW GRAND YOU ARE ♪
♪ I TRIED TO EXPLAIN
♪ BEI MIR BIST DU SCHOEN
♪ KISS ME AND SAY YOU UNDERSTAND ♪
♪
[Crowd Cheering]
YOU SEE. ARYAN CHARMS.
[Crowd Cheering]
AND WHERE IS MUSSOLINI? HE SHOULD BE BACK BY NOW?
PERHAPS OUR ITALIAN FRIEND TAKES A MORE TIME
WITH LADIES THAN YOU...
[ ♪ ]
WAITRESS!
OUR NEXT PERFORMER, FROM THE CITY OF SAN FRANCISCO,
THE QUEEN OF CARNIVAL.
KELLITA!
♪
EVERYTHING ALRIGHT?
I THINK SO.
THAT CLONE OF HITLER IS ONE CREEPY LITTLE NAZI.
YEAH BUT, DO YOU THINK THAT HE BIT?
HEY LADY...
THERE'S A GUY OUT FRONT WANTED ME TO GIVE YOU THIS.
♪
THEY ALWAYS BITE JOHNNY...
JUST NOT AS HARD AS ME.
"PLEASE JOIN ME FOR A DRINK.
P.S., I HAVE MUCH MONEY."
HUH, THAT'S CHARMING.
♪
SHE'S NOT COMING.
YOU HAVE GIVEN TO HER WHAT THE AMERICANS CALL "THE WILLIES".
I HAVE NOT GIVEN HER "THE WILLIES".
PERHAPS IT WAS YOU WHO GAVE HER "THE WILLIES"!
PLEASE. RUSSIANS ARE RENOWNED FOR THEIR LOVEMAKING.
GERMANS ARE RENOWNED FOR PICKLED CABBAGE.
Belle: HIYA BOYS.
NOW WHICH ONE OF YOU FINE GENTLEMEN
WROTE ME THIS LITTLE INVITATION?
I'M BETTING IT WAS YOU, WASN'T IT SWEETIE?
♪
SAY SOMETHING YOU FOOL.
WHAT? WHAT SHOULD I SAY?
COMPLIMENT HER.
♪
HELLO.
I UH...
I LIKE YOUR FEET.
OH...
THANKS...
YOU WILL HAVE TO EXCUSE MY FRIEND.
HE'S A LITTLE SHY WITH LADIES.
OH, THAT'S OK.
I THINK SHY GUYS ARE KINDA CUTE.
♪
SO... DO YOU THINK YOUR FRIEND HERE
MIGHT WANT BE INTERESTED IN BUYING ME A DRINK?
- YES. - NO!
AND DO YOU THINK HE MIGHT BE INTERESTED
IN JOINING ME FOR MORE PRIVATE SHOW...
BACKSTAGE?
- YES. - NO!
HMM... WHAT'S A GIRL TO DO?
BUT MY WOMAN'S INTUITION TELLS ME YOU SHOULD COME WITH ME.
♪
ADOLF. IT STAYS HERE.
♪
GUARD THIS WITH YOUR LIVES.
♪
[Crowd Cheering]
(Sigh)
♪
HAVE YOU SEEN MY FRIEND? ITALIAN?
NAMED BENNY? HE ALSO CAME BACK STAGE...
OH... I DON'T THINK SO.
HE WAS WITH ANOTHER DANCER.
KOKO LA DOUCE.
OH, I'M SURE IF HE WAS WITH KOKO THEN HE'S IN GOOD HANDS.
♪
PERHAPS THIS IS A BAD IDEA.
COME ON, YOU'LL FEEL MORE RELAXED
AS SOON AS YOU'RE IN MY DRESSING ROOM.
WHY ARE YOU SO EAGER TO GET TO YOUR DRESSING ROOM?
WHAT IS GOING ON?
OI, THERE'S NO NEED TO GET ALL WORKED UP ALRIGHT?
DON'T TOUCH ME!
MEIN GOT!
MEIN GOT...
WHO IS THIS MAGNIFICENT CREATURE?
YOU ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN I HAVE EVER SET EYES UPON!
YOUR EYES...
YOUR SKIN...
OH, THOSE MUSCULAR FEMININE ARMS.
MEIN FÜHRER!
OOOH! SO POWERFUL! OH MY.
OH SUCH CHILD BEARING HIPS.
SAY, WHAT IF MY FRIEND HERE...
PENELOPE...
WERE TO DANCE FOR YOU?
Clone Of Hitler: OH PENELOPE. YES!
YES, OH A DANCE WOULD BE DIVINE!
YOU KNOW, BELLE, I REALLY MORE THE DANCING TYPE.
OH DON'T UNDERESTIMATE YOURSELF, PENELOPE.
BESIDES, THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT.
MMMM, I CAN SMELL YOUR MUSK.
FINE!
FINE... WE'LL DANCE FOR HIM.
TOGETHER.
READY AND WILLING WHEN YOU ARE!
[ ♪ ]
♪
Johnny: JEEZ CHIEF,
KEEP YOUR SHIRT ON ALREADY.
WE'LL BE IN THE DRESSING ROOM ANY SECOND NOW.
♪
AH, OH!
♪
NOW HOW ABOUT THIS?
I'LL DANCE FOR YOU...
WHILE PENELOPE GIVES YOU A NICE SOOTHING MASSAGE.
WUNDERBAR.
♪
PLEASE DON'T KEEP ME WAITING MY BEAUTIFUL VALKYRIE.
Sue: HEY, WHY YOU KICKING ME OUT?
Koko: YOU CAN'T STAY DOWN HERE,
EVERYONE ELSE IS IN THE BASEMENT!
YOU NEED TO GO INTO THE THEATRE
AND KEEP AN EYE ON THINGS.
Sue: OH, RIGHT.
♪
Koko: DON'T CLOSE THE--
AH WUNDERBAR!
♪
OHHH...
♪
YOU BEEN A BAD BOY?
A VERY BAD BOY?
(Belle Barks)
WOOF WOOF, YES.
♪
OOOH...
♪
OI!
♪
(Belle Barks)
♪
ROOF ROOF.
♪
[Crowd Cheering]
NOW MEIN SHOTSIE,
KEEP YOU EYE ON THIS NEXT MOVE.
IT REALLY KNOCKS 'EM DEAD.
[Crowd Cheering]
OH GOD HE'S GUSHING!
GET ME SOMETHING TO PLUG HIS NECK!
[ ♪ ]
ANYTHING!
NO... I REALLY LIKE THAT ONE.
ANYTHING BELLE!
♪
OH GOD. HEY...
WHAT HAPPENED TO HITLER'S HEAD?
OUR NEXT PERFORMER COMES FROM THE ROMANTIC CITY
OF ROME ITALY.
SCARLETT MARTINI AND HER UNWELCOME GUEST.
[ ♪ ]
♪
OUR LEADER HAS BEEN GONE FOR QUITE SOME TIME NOW.
♪
(Sue Gasps)
♪
GUARDS... COMING... LOOKING FOR MUSSOLINI...
♪
I'M GETTING BLOOD ALL OVER ME.
SUE ON THE COUNT OF THREE LIFT.
♪
GO STASH THAT THING.
♪
SUE YOU'RE COVERED IN BLOOD. CHANGE INTO SOMETHING.
INTO WHAT?
GET SOMETHING FROM THE TRUNK.
YEAH.
IF THEY COME THIS WAY, JUST ACT NATURAL.
♪
Koko: HELLO?
♪
GET IN! GET IN!
Koko: NO WAIT!
CRUCIFIX!
♪
Johnny: OH, HOW CAN THIS DOOR LOCK?
THE DRESSING ROOM DOOR DOESN'T EVEN LOCK?
♪
CAPITANO? HEIR HITLER?
♪
(Sue Screams)
♪
EXCUSE ME! THIS IS A PRIVATE ROOM.
OH SORRY. WE WERE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE.
WELL, HE AIN'T IN HERE, IS HE?
♪
[Crowd Cheering]
[ ♪ ]
♪
[Gunshots]
Johnny: BOURBON SUE'S IN TROUBLE!
♪
Johnny: EITHER OF YOU GALS GOT A BOBBY PIN
I CAN PICK THE LOCK WITH?
Belle: WELL WHAT'S HOLDING ON THAT WIG OF JOHNNY? STAPLES?
Johnny: OH YEAH...
♪
Johnny: OPEN SESAME...
♪
Koko: NICE SHOT.
♪
WELL, THERE WE GO, RIGHT BACK ON TRACK.
♪
[Crowd Cheering]
TRANSMIT THE CODE.
SET THE WEAPON TO FIRE AT MIDNIGHT.
[Morse Code Beeping]
[Machine Beeping and Powering Up]
Emcee: AND NOW, WE HAVE A TREAT FOR YOU.
A BRAND NEW PERFORMER...
...A WOMAN WHO IS NAMED AFTER THE DRINK THAT SHE SO LOVES.
...BOURBON SUE!
[Crowd Applauding]
[ ♪ ]
[Crowd Cheering]
♪
SO, IF THESE GUARDS WERE LOOKING FOR MUSSOLINI...
IF THEY DON'T COME BACK...
WE JUST BOUGHT OURSELVES A WHOLE MESS OF TROUBLE.
♪
COMRADE STALIN.
OUR FÜHRER HAS NOT RETURNED.
NOR HAS MUSSOLINI NOR HAS THE MEN SENT TO LOOK FOR HIM.
THEY ARE FINE.
THERE IS NOTHING TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT.
THIS IS A BAD IDEA JOHNNY.
I'M INCLINED TO AGREE.
YOU GOT A BETTER IDEA?
♪
WE ARE TAKING OUR MEN TO SEARCH BACKSTAGE.
YOU WILL STAY HERE.
THE PRIORITY IS TO GUARD THE CODE.
Guard: YOUR PRIORITY IS THE CODE.
OUR PRIORITY IS THE SAFETY OF OUR LEADERS.
AH, THERE IT IS!
♪
THIS IS A REALLY BAD IDEA...
WHILE THEY ARE AWAY I AM IN CHARGE OF THIS MISSION.
MY ORDER IS TO STAY AND GUARD THE CODE,
AND YOU WILL OBEY MY ORDERS.
THIS IS A BAD IDEA JOHNNY.
JUST DO IT ALREADY.
♪
WE DON'T TAKE ORDERS FROM YOU STALIN.
WE ARE GOING.
♪
(Johnny Laughs)
PRETTY AS A PICTURE.
♪
THIS IS THE CREEPIEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN.
THIS IS NEVER GOING TO WORK.
Belle: YEAH... HE WAS PRETTY CREEPY WHEN HE WAS ALIVE THOUGH...
IT MIGHT WORK...
♪
GENTLEMEN.
WE DO NOT WANT A SCENE...
WELL THEN TELL YOUR MEN TO STAND DOWN.
♪
LOVELY. JUST LIKE A COUPLE OF SPRINGTIME LOVERS.
STAY IN THE DARK, EVERYTHING'LL BE FINE.
♪
YOU ARE BEING PARANOID.
WHAT COULD THERE BE TO FEAR IN THIS THEATRE?
WELL THEN WHY, WHY ARE YOU SO CONCERNED
FOR THE SAFETY OF THE CODE?
AH, LOOK!
ARE YOU SATISFIED?
THEY ARE MERELY ENJOYING THEMSELVES.
KEEP SMILING.
EVERYTHING'S FINE.
THIS IS YOUR LEADER AND NOT A WALKING CADAVER...
♪
[Crowd Cheering]
[ ♪ ]
♪
THE SULTAN WISHES TO THANK THE EMPRESS ANASTASIA
FOR THE GIFT OF THIS LOVELY DANCER.
SHE WILL HAVE THE SUPPORT OF HIS SULTANATE
WHEN SHE MOVES AGAINST THE COMMUNISTS.
♪
(Sultan Coughing)
♪
(Coughing Continues)
♪
POISON!
THE SULTAN HAS BEEN POISONED!
♪
THE CUP HAS PROVEN HER INNOCENT.
THE POISON WAS IN THE VEIL.
♪
NO DOUBT AN ASSASSIN SENT BY COMMUNISTS.
SHE'S DEADLY.
KILL HER QUICKLY WHILE YOU STILL HAVE THE CHANCE.
♪
IF YOUR HEART WILL ONLY BEAT FOR JOHNNY VALENTINE,
THEN IT WILL NOT BEAT AT ALL.
(Katarina Screams)
♪
[Crowd Cheering]
ASSASSINS!
[ ♪ ]
♪
HEY!
[ ♪ ]
♪
(Guard Screams)
♪
[Machine Whirring]
JOHNNY... JOHNNY VALENTINE.
[Maxim Chuckles]
[ ♪ ]
♪
MAXIM. I THOUGHT I SMELLED A RAT.
SO MUSSOLINI JR. AND THE CLONE OF HITLER THOUGHT THEY
WERE WORKING FOR JOE STALIN TO GET THOSE PRECIOUS CODES.
THEY PAID ME A FORTUNE TO RETRIEVE THE CODE FOR THEM,
AND THEN I LURED YOU HERE TO KILL THEM FOR ME.
YEAH, BUT MAXIM,
YOU THOUGHT I WAS GONNA COME IN HERE ALONE.
AS SO MANY BEFORE YOU,
YOU UNDERESTIMATE THE CUNNING OF THE RUSSIANS.
LIKE SO MANY BEFORE YOU, IT WILL BE YOUR LAST MISTAKE.
(Maxim Snaps)
♪
IT'S ALMOST MIDNIGHT.
THE WEAPON IS POWERING UP AS WE SPEAK...
♪ [Machine Whirring]
♪
AND NOW I WILL DESTROY YOU.
I WILL DESTROY YOU LIKE I DESTROYED YOUR BELOVED KATARINA.
CUT DOWN IN THE DESERT.
HER BODY LEFT AS A FOOD FOR THE RATS.
ALL THAT REMAINS OF YOUR PRECIOUS KATARINA IS
BONES BAKING IN THE SUN.
AND THE RING.
♪
WHAT?
THE RING YOU SENT ME.
NO...
[ ♪ ]
NO.
♪
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MY COMRADES...
THE CABARET OF DOOM.
MY OWN PRIVATE ARMY.
A LITTLE SIDE PROJECT I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON
WHILE AT THE K.G.B.
(Johnny Laughs)
NO!
HUH.
PLEASURE TO SEE YOU AGAIN MISS KATARINA MOLOTOV.
Katarina: THE PLEASURE IS MINE JOHNNY VALENTINE.
I THOUGHT I'D LOST YOU BABYDOLL.
I MEAN, HOW ELSE WAS I SUPPOSED TO TAKE
GETTING THIS FINGER IN THE MAIL?
JOHNNY, PLEASE... I PROMISED YOU THIS RING
WOULD NOT LEAVE MY FINGER FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE...
AND IT HAS NOT.
♪
[Machine Whirring]
[Machine Whirring Louder]
YOU THINK THIS IS A VICTORY?
THE WEAPON HAS BEEN ACTIVATED.
IN MOMENTS, ALL OF MANHATTAN WILL DIE SCREAMING
AND THE WORLD WILL FALL AT MY KNEES BEGGING FOR MERCY!
YOU'RE NOT GETTING OUTTA HERE ALIVE MAXIM.
REALLY?
♪
ONCE I SLIT YOUR THROAT, THE DEATH IS ABSOLUTE...
BUT I STILL THINK THAT YOUR FRIENDS
WILL STOP AND TRY TO SAVE YOU...
LONG ENOUGH FOR ME TO ESCAPE.
YOU REALLY WANNA KILL ME?
HUH.
TAKE LOOK AT THESE...
♪
MMM, BEAUTIFUL...
BUT IT CHANGES NOTHING...
OH IT CHANGES SOMETHING.
HU-
Everyone: AAH!
HUH...
JUST LIKE A FRISBEE...
PSST.
OOOP!
HEY! WHAT ABOUT THE NAZI ATOMIC DEATH RAY?
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
[Machine Whirring]
WHAT?
[Machine Whirring Building Up]
[Machine Bings and Music Begins to Play]
[ ♪ ]
♪
WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
ISN'T ALL OF NEW YORK DYING RIGHT NOW?
♪
Johnny: AIN'T NO SUCH THING AS A NAZI ATOMIC DEATH RAY, KID.
WHAT?
WE LIED TO YA... SORRY.
Katarina: THE WAR WAS OVER...
JOHNNY AND I KNEW OUR TIME TOGETHER WAS COMING TO AN END.
Johnny: SO WE SLIPPED SOME COCKAMAMIE ACTIVATION CODES
TO THAT NAZI NUT JOB PROFESSOR WE WERE HUNTING.
WHAT WAS HIS NAME?
VON HOSSENFEFFER.
RIGHT.
WE KNEW IT WAS THE PERFECT REASON FOR OUR GOVERNMENTS
TO KEEP US CHASING EACH OTHER.
THE PERFECT PLOT FOR OUR SECRET RENDEZVOUS.
♪
WHAT NOW, BABYDOLL?
OUR WEDDING OF COURSE.
I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK, KATARINA MOLOTOV.
AND I LIKE THE WAY YOU KILL, JOHNNY VALENTINE.
♪
ALRIGHT BURLESQUE ASSASSINS,
LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.
♪
HEY KID, SINCE YOU KILLED MAXIM,
THAT INCLUDES YOU OFFICIALLY.
CONGRATULATIONS.
THANKS MISTER VALENTINE.
YOU'RE A BURLESQUE ASSASSIN NOW...
YOU CAN CALL ME JOHNNY.
♪
I THINK I'M GONNA LIKE THIS JOB...
♪
[ ♪ ]
♪